How did I get into this mess!?! -part one-

I stand lost in thought amidst the line of shoppers at the department store. I escape to my memories and I drown in the landscape of my minds canvass as it engulfs me and yet again it engulfs me! I always allow it to, I can do nothing but allow it to take over me as I silently trudge through each picture, each motion and each action and as I do all of this, I feel like I am right there within the picture of my minds eye…..

His eyes….

 

 

 

His smile….

 

 

 

His raspy voice….

 

 

 

Even his scent….

 

 

 

And then goose bumps ripple within me serenading every piece of my flesh…..

 

 

 

” Excuse me…… Excuse me miss!”

 

I startle out of my beautiful day dream….

 

 

” Huh…. Wh… what” ?

” Your next” …. Says an impatient shopper behind me.

 

 

 

I smile awkwardly, apologetically, as I make my way toward the cashier. My heart is still racing and I wonder silently; how did I get into this mess!!!

 

 

It was about four months ago, it was the beginning of spring in fact and at that moment, it seemed that my life was perfect. Well perfect enough! Perfect compared to now! It was simply perfect for me! I had everything that a heart could search for, a warm home, a loving family, a place to belong and nothing warms the heart more than a sense of belonging, a sense of being needed. The flowers we beginning to blossom and bloom. The nights were warmer and the mornings were not as chilly as a few weeks ago. Tree’s sprouted the first shoots of green leaves and I could not wait to bathe in the stream of spring. We were planning a weekend trip to welcome the warmer weather and then like an avalanche of unexpected snow had landed on top of me, my breath caught and in an instant everything within me changed!

 

 

 

Where did that come from! The ground below me shifted and I was flat on my back…..

 

 

 

I thought I was happy, I mean I think I was happy, I felt happy! I thought I had everything that a woman could want or would want! A loving , caring husband. Three kids. A home to call mines. Even a peaceful nights sleep was mines to have and to hold but then someone came along and showed me that in fact I was lacking in many areas of my life. He pointed out the blemishes and little cracks in my world and I suddenly felt unappreciated! I felt infuriated! I felt alone and taken for granted! I began to feel frustrated too! My home was suddenly no longer enough for me, it was no longer my sanctuary and I needed more than what my life summed up to…. In fact I deserved more he told me! ! !

 

 

 

And that was the beginning of our love story…..

 

 

 

My heart stopped for just a second… Or was it two? I don’t even know why it did that or for how long I held my breath!!! I knew that his gaze falling upon me was wrong. I knew that lifting my eyes to meet his gaze was even more wrong, but as I felt his hungry eyes settle on every inch of me, I felt desired, I felt energized and I lifted my gaze and I met his lingering eyes anyways. And that was all that was needed from me. He just needed me to look up, to pay attention and from that moment on, I was his captive…. He was my captor…. yet neither of us knew yet where the tide would wash us…..

 

 

Believe me when I say that I restrained myself! I refused to let go! I tried to compose myself and I fought with every part of me! What kind of a woman even does that I thought! Who would let herself go and run free and wild with another man? Astaghfirullah! A woman should be modest! I am just not that type of a woman! Did I mention that it just wasn’t me to do this type of thing? So even though electric sparks were flying above our heads and a magnetic pull was forging us together each time we passed the other, I remained composed, if only outwardly. Yet inside me was an ocean of desires, brimming, brewing and overflowing…..

 

 

 

He said the right words, at the right moment too! I became numb and weak. Suddenly my tummy filled with countless butterflies every time that he was near. I felt appreciated for once! He asked me every question that my husband failed to; like how my day was, how was I feeling, he even asked if I need a foot rub! The more I restrained myself, the more intense my feelings became!

 

 

 

He’s pull was beyond magnetic and I enjoyed being desired and drawn in to him! At first these feelings paralyzed me and then they confused me. I almost entered the throes of death thinking how out of character it was for me to feel these feelings and desires! Where did they even come from! It was not like me to speak to another man in this way let alone get this carried away with him! I tried to hold on for as long as I could, I tried to hold onto what I knew was right and good, but he knew just what to say, just how to look at me, just what tone I needed to hear in order to crumble and let down the wall protecting me. And then one day I finally let go….. I could take it no more….. I let my hands fly up and I let the wind caress my hair as my high swooped, looped and flipped me over like a roller coaster…..

 

 

I enjoyed my moment and my high. I had never felt anything quiet like it before! I wanted more of it…..

 

 

I admitted to him that I too was beginning to feel something for him! As the words left my mouth I wondered from where did they come and how could I spew them out! I wondered how could I be so bold as to utter them to someone other than my husband! I could feel my face flush with heat and I sensed the color in my cheeks rise! He just smiled at me and told me how cute my blushing was. Even that flattered me….

 

 

 

I was shy at first but soon I became very comfortable in his presence. We spoke everyday. We had never met at that point. I felt it my duty and my right to explain to him that this was out of character for me. That I didn’t do this type of thing and that I didn’t know what was happening with me. I told him that I would never allow such a sin as fornication to be mines to own! To which he said that he would never ask it of me! He respected me! He knew that I was not forward. He said that he didn’t do this type of thing either! My heart beat faster as he said that, what a man I thought. I was falling in love…. He had already fallen head over heels by then he said…..

 

 

 

But what do I do? I’m a married woman after all! I have three kids all under the age of ten! My husband thinks that I’m in love with him! He thinks that life is still good and perfect! Yet within me, I know….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nothing will ever be the same again…..

 

 

 

 

To be continued….

Haajar…