My stats are booming! It seems that people like a scandalous story more than they do my thoughts on soul searching! I feel it incumbent to mention that although this is different to most of my other writing, it still sums up to a point as all my writing does. That point is always around the journey of life and seeking Allah. Why else are we here after all, Alhamdulillah….. Please note that this story does not have an end as yet! I’m winging it as I go along, something that I am not used to! I love to hear from you, the good and the bad so please feel free to drop me a line and some suggestions on how it should end.
Lastly, note that this tale is fiction!
Thank you for reading it means so much to me…. If you are from South Africa follow my story in the muslim woman magazine entitled ” my not so perfect married life”….
The condition of my heart has transformed drastically, dramatically and it has done this in what feels like an overnight transformation! Just a short while ago my husband was the sole owner of my heart and the feelings within them. Now he has been purged from it and replaced with a new face and owner. Just the other day I had a steady heart rate and a boring existence yet my heart now has spurts of accelerated highs and palpitating every time that I see a text from him, every time that I hear his voice on the phone, every time that I look into my husbands eyes to search, to see if he suspects anything!!!!! I’m sure that if a doctor had to do a physical check on me he would medicate me for anxiety immediately! Is this what they call love sick?
I do have to avoid looking my husband directly in the eye though, for I fear that the windows to my soul would reveal and show him that my heart has a new captain, a new cause of love, a new object of affection….
After the accelerated palpitating subsides, my heart rate plummets to lows beyond any low I have ever experienced when I realize who I am – a mother and a wife! And when I realize what it is that I am lost and submerged within! When I remember that what I’m doing is wrong and sinful and that I am being displeasing to my Allah by being unfaithful to my husband, guilt washes over me drowning me and momentarily paralyzing me. But I haven’t slept with him I keep telling myself. Its not as bad as sleeping with him! I console myself with these thoughts. So technically I’m not really unfaithful! Am I ?
Besides, I have never done anything sinful in all my existence! Well not sinful like this! But what is it that they say about imperfection….. Aaah yes, No person can ever be perfect, we all have some hidden flaw and maybe this is MY blemish, my one flaw which makes me a part of the human creed.
My lows are frequent though short lived as the cause for my heartbeat knows exactly how to cheer me up. He throws me a ” good morning beautiful” text every morning. I always read about guys that did that, but they existed only in movies or books! I couldn’t believe that I had someone like that of my own. Shower a girl with the right words and her heart is yours to own….
I have become dependent on him. I need him like I need air to breathe. I am crippled without him, without his attention and affection. If he’s too busy to call me or to chat to me, I find myself going into withdrawal’s craving his conversation. I become snappy and moody until I drink form the elixir of his compliments. As each new dawn rolls forward all I can think of is him and us….. I wake with a verve. I look for my good morning text and when I read it I am invigorated and energized! I sway through my day as if generated by an extra energy supply. Could one person be responsible for all of this? It seems so though I’m not really sure. All that I feel right now is happy to be lost within this love story as I play the lead role, as I’m swayed and swooned with compliments, with attention and with love …..
Slowly I fell more and more for my captor. As the weeks swept by I fell deeper in love and I no longer wished to restrain myself. I began desiring a life with him! I began desiring him!!! I compared him to my husband in many ways and through each comparison my husband failed the test pitiably….
I fantasized about being with him in our own world, our own life and our own home. How wonderful it would be I thought. I would be his, he would be mine. I wondered what that would feel like. I would wake up next to him and hear those words ; “good morning beautiful”…
And then my little baby boy cried disturbing my thought stream, ripping through my fantasy violently! He’s cries were like thunder on my picture perfect fantasy pulling me away from my desires to go and warm a bottle of formula. Yes I have to remind myself numerous times a day that three sets of little eyes need me. What is wrong with me! Every night I make a promise to end this emotional attachment and every day I fail to break away.
Finally, as inevitable as it was, we began to meet secretly. I remember that first meeting as it never stops playing on repeat in my mind. Like a turntable with a disc circling round and around, I see that day, that image of us on a bench, and I remember every moment of it! My heart was a flurry with excitement, with the fear of being seen doused with the welcomed anticipation of finally being alone with him. As he looked into my eyes and took my fingers into his strong palms, I became like liquid in his grip. His touch was electric but I was shy. My hands became sweaty and I pulled my hand away instantly in a reflex….. And then the rosy cheeks took over my face yet again! The music playing from the car radio said every thing that I was feeling. It floated through the airwaves like the sweet scent of perfume as it caressed and played with our ears. It was as if she was singing just for us, just what was in our hearts. Now if I had to describe that meeting to you in one sentence, I would say that it wasn’t as I had fantasized it would be! Every few minutes I had to look over my shoulder. As much as I didn’t want to tear my eyes away from his, I had to scan my surroundings. I felt uneasy and I looked around to see that no one was watching me constantly. This is not how I wanted it to be! I pictured a starry night with fireworks lighting up the navy blue sky above our heads. I pictured the moon dipping into the stream as we watched the water ripple against the gentle evening breeze in the luminous white face of the moon on the waters surface . But it wasn’t anything like that! There was no peace around me or within me. Should anybody have seen me how would I explain it! He kept on pulling out his cellphone to take a call, to check a text. And I kept asking myself ” what the hell are you doing Fatima!?” .
After that first meeting I felt horrible! I promised myself never to meet him again! My mood that day was distorted. My mind was a war zone between what I want and what is right. I didn’t like the feeling of guilt laced with fear which kept on choking me. Then every few moments I filled with glee and I smiled in a silly goofy way to myself thinking of something that he had said to me. I made that same promise after the second and the third meetings,a promise that I would stop meeting him, a promise that today was the last meeting! My promises to stop continued with each meeting…..
These meetings went on for weeks which accumulated into months and with each meeting the warmth and the peace within my home slowly crept out. It was like I punctured the walls of our home each time that I snuck out to see him allowing the love within my home to leave. Allowing my home to deflate and become less of a home! I became less of a mother and a wife and more of a woman just living through the motions! I hardly cooked a proper meal anymore. Everything felt like a chore and I was like a zombie just doing what was expected of me with no desire to do it, with no love in doing it. But then I would escape to my thoughts when I was done with my tasks for my family. And it was as if I was living another life within my mind. When I escaped to the memories of our conversations, I became alive!!!!! I can’t believe my transformation and change! My boldness! My lack of restraint! And I find myself taking a journey through self worth and realization. I’m constantly lost, lost in thought, lost in guilt, lost within him….
After four months of a secret emotional affair, I think that I possibly might want out of my marriage! But he doesn’t mention that he wants the same! He says that we should go with flow, chill and see where it goes. What does that even mean? Do I ask him where are we headed? What does HE want!? Does he want to just keep chatting and meeting forever? And then what? For how long will we hide? What about the sin of it all!!!? If our feelings are that strong shouldn’t we make it halal? For how long will it be able to remain just a secret? But I want more than this secret!!!
At least I think that I do….
Yet its not as easy as that! Can it ever be! I can’t just walk out of my life now can I! Besides all the reasons why it’s wrong to do that to my family, there is another reason that makes things even more complicated then they seem…..
You see my captor is someone I’ve known for years….
There’s no easy way to say this but here goes…..
He is my husbands best friend!
As I bite my bottom lip while helping my daughter with her addition sums, I wonder once again, HOW DID I GET INTO THIS MESS!!!!!
To be continued…