~I remember only to forget again ~

It feels as though I am lost in a maze, drowning in the fog of naffs ( of desires). My feet shift and shuffle awkwardly for I know that again I have transgressed, again I have failed in my promises and attempts….

 

 

Is this the cusp of my existence? For I always seem to falter and to fall until I land here, within these confining and confusing walls!

 

 

For days I will walk, days without an end. I will tread and search and hit booms with no exit. I will bang on invisible doors until my knuckles seep with pain! My chest will pound until my ears become deaf and my mind becomes heady. I know these feelings by now for I’ve been here before, I’ve been here too many times….

 

 

The walls close in on me until I whither into a ball, a mass of hopeless uncertainty. “Will You leave me here Oh Rhabb! It feels as though this might be the end! I’ve failed you too many times by now!”

 

 

I curl up while the world obliviously passes me by, immune to my pain and blind to my crippled structure lying helpless on the ground. Slowly my soul loses consciousness and I drift into a painful slumber, a paralysis, where all that I am able to do is lie there seeping into the murky ground….

 

 

 

I am hypnotized by the hum of my of my thoughts, of my regrets. My lids lift and shutter slowly, achingly. With each hum, with each blink, I wonder if this is the last one….

 

 

Suddenly my stupor is disturbed! My wilting soul is throttled to attention! A light blinds me, inwardly it envelopes me. It feels as if I am suspended in the air, my hands and feet dangling escaping the grip of dejection. Slowly I am moving, involuntarily I am moving out of the maze, out of the fog…

 

 

 

The reminder of my emotions grate against my mind for days to come! I remember where I’ve been to and how I got to stand there. I shudder in thought, I shiver in fear. My insides convulse in fits and bouts as the venom of my memories pool within me! I never want to stand there again, lost, trapped, alone……

 

 

My knees drop to the ground and creak in submission! I vow, I promise to never transgress against my Lord again. Tears wash over me, remorse replenishes the empty well within me!

 

 

 

 

Today I remember the effects of sinning but tomorrow I know I’ll forget them again….

Haajar…