And I begged him again.
Then after he left me again, I begged him again.
He continued to make me beg him. To chase after him. To prove myself to him. And I continued to do it. It made him feel powerful. It gave him power over me. It was a vicious circle and we circled it over and over again. For months, for years. I did one thing to his dislike and he left.
” This isn’t working out anymore”.
“I can’t do this. I’m wasting my time with you”.
” You don’t appreciate me!”
And on he would go. Punishing me. Abusing me psychologically. Playing vicious mind games. And the more he did it the more I fought for him. I don’t even know why I fought so hard to keep him in my life. It was like the Universe wanted to cure me, to remove the tumor attached to me by making him leave, but I wanted it, I wanted to be ill,
I had no friends, no support, no one. I had alienated myself, cut off, broke ties, all in the name of love. To prove myself. To prove it to him. But in the end all that it proved was that he would continue to use me, to abuse me, to run from me the harder I chased after him. I knew that I should let him go but I couldn’t. He brainwashed me so subtly yet to such a degree that I felt there was no l i f e worth living without him in my l i f e. When he saw how frantic I became each time that he left or threatened to leave, he did it more. I became desperate. Desperate to keep him, to keep his vile toxin streaming through my veins. It was all I knew, it was the only place I felt loved.
What kind of love is this sick?
Love is beautiful, it is non abusive and filled with respect not fear. It makes you a better person, it doesn’t reduce you to a pathetic state. I was a shadow of the human being I once was. I put him above every single human being and
One day I woke up. No I mean I really WOKE UP from my stupor. I did something I never thought I could do.
I hadn’t had contact with him for two months. He cut me off easily, no qualms about it, no two minds. It wasn’t the first time that he cut me out of his life for this long. I continued to try, to try to contact him, to be with him, to change him, to love him. He usually accepted me back after making me grovel for a while. But this time he didn’t. He had shut me off completely. My daily existence centered around anxiety at stalking him, at waiting for him to contact me and my concern for his well being.
Four months and still nothing. I was blocked on all communication platforms. Treated like a criminal, like a detested creature. But I was a good person so I continued to try, I would forgive him again and again. Maybe I stuck around because I had no one else to turn to. He made me put him first and then he left me alone in the darkness of my self inflicted hole.
And then I saw him one day.
In the same parking lot.
It felt like a dream.
He looked at me,
Like he had never seen me before.
Then he looked away.
A new beginning,
That was the day we both died.