Entry number 4.
Why do we make the undeserving one’s master of our hearts?
Is it some other part of the law of attraction?
That which you seek distances itself from you and that which you distance yourself from chases after you.
We give the key’s to our hearts to the unworthy one’s while the world is filled with nice guys who always finish last. Its sad, yet its true.
I was lost, drowning within him, suffocating delightfully, dancing a tango moving back and forth, trying to get away then running back just one last time, for just one more touch, for just one last kiss and each time that I did that I was reeled in deeper. His nails were clawed just beneath my skin, his poison was electric, surging through my veins, more potent than cocaine. I l o v e d it! With just one look, the right look, my knees would buckle and I was in his arms. Yet with just another look, the wrong look, my heart skipped ten beats, fear groped me frantically and anxiety filled me like water fills an empty vessel.
Why is he upset?
What did I do?
Did I do something?
Was it me?
How do I fix this?
He began to control more and more of me. He stalked every profile I owned to see what I’m up to, who am I speaking to, what pictures I posted, he wanted to know everything that I was doing at all times.
The lies still knocked on our door incessantly. Each time he had an excuse, an alibi, yet another lie. The longer I stayed, the harder it became to leave him. Eventually I resigned to the fact that this was my fate, I would live this life. At least I had someone who wanted me as passionately as he did, he loved me when nobody else did, I comforted myself with this thought. I deserved better than him. But when the nice guy looked my way, I was looking at my bad boy because nice guys, as I said,
My hunk was nothing more than a skeleton beneath his leather jacket, underneath his mask he possessed nothing and he sucked the life out of me to boost his ego. He felt worthless, rotten and had a low self esteem. I thought that I needed him but he needed me! I made him feel good. I feathered his mammoth ego, inflating it, deflating my own self worth. Some women walk away and leave at this point. I was not of these women. I stayed. I let him have his way with me, in every way. I needed him! His love! His attention. No one loved me like he did.
“No one cares about you, nobody but me and you know it!
Only those in love act crazy like I do.
Do you even love me?
Tell me…. what do you want from us?
Where do you see this going?
If it’s love, PROVE IT!”.
I felt like I needed to stay and change him, to help him, to heal him, to prove myself to him. If I left him I would be leaving the person who cared about me the most. He needed love and to feel loved. I wanted to fill him with bright roses and pretty daisies.But my soul was throbbing and my spirit wilting. I laugh to myself now, you can’t change them,
THEY CHANGE YOU!
I stayed with him through it all and despite it all. I gave him a million second chances. He messed up a million more times,
I proved it and I proved it
and I proved it some more
and then I proved it again…
I couldn’t leave, his poison was sweeter than being released.
I stayed until ….
Mistake number 4. . .
I begged him to take me back.