“Do you think you beautiful?”
He asked me one day. He was wearing his black leather jacket that made him look like James Dean. He was good looking
a n d
k n e w
He owned it and he never ceased to mention it telling me how many women hit on him, how they hit on him, where they hit on him and of course how equally good looking they were. And each time that he did that, he killed a butterfly within me, one of those first few butterflies that came to life, that fluttered with that first look, a source of new love and newfound happiness.
“NO! Definitely not. I must not be ungrateful I guess, I mean I’m not deformed and I think I’m pleasant to look at, but beautiful, no that’s too strong a word to describe someone as simple as me”.
” Oh, Ok ” he said flatly. And its true, I don’t think, I didn’t think that I was beautiful and yet the question had knocked the wind out of me. I felt insecure.
Where did it come from and why did he ask me that?
Did he think I was beautiful?
Did he agree that I wasn’t beautiful? When I thought about it, he never called me beautiful, ever. I often wondered if he thought I was even pretty. I had been called beautiful countless times even though I didn’t think myself to be beautiful but none of those compliments made me feel anything, I craved to hear HIM call me beautiful, but he never did. He complimented me subtly, my hair, my clothes, my talents, but he never told me how I looked so I began to feel weak, worthless and ugly. I felt as though every time we passed a beautiful woman, he was looking at her not at me. And yet I also felt silly and immature. I felt needy and pathetic. Was I craving something as silly as being told I’m pretty? No, I don’t think it was that, I wanted to feel enough for him, but I didn’t.
What men fail to know is that a woman doesn’t even need to be beautiful to feel it. A man who makes his woman feel like a beautiful Queen can only be treated like a King, like her King. Sadly narcissists think the world of themselves and they think nothing of everyone else.
Alarm bells were sounding in the distance, eventually they were blaring, every once in a while they went off, then they went off more frequently, but still he held a sort of power over me. It was more than his eyes, more than his delicious kiss, more than anything I could see or think. It was a psychological power that he controlled me with. I couldn’t see it. He dealt me a blow & then kissed it away. He would get caught in a lie, or spit out a ridiculous command, an invisible slap across my face and then he would send me a love note to melt my bones. He would tell me he does the things he does because he loves me! I often found myself asking my reflection, “what are you doing here? What’s wrong with you?”!
But my legs were rocks filled with cement, they couldn’t move and each time that I tried to move away from him he wrapped his hands around my waist tightly, he kissed my salty cheek and made me feel like his, even if only for that moment. He owned my mind, he possessed my heart, my limbs were magnetically attached to him but inside, deep within there was something telling me that this was all so wrong. A whisper, a current, a gnawing, a restlessness. After he removed his hands from my waist and my body stopped quivering, I knew that I had to leave. I wanted to run but I couldn’t! Why couldn’t I leave him?
AND THAT THERE WAS MY THIRD MISTAKE…
Staying despite having the urge to flee.
He robbed me, robbed me of everything worthwhile. He took my friends away from me one by one poisoning my mind,breaking my heart, making them his own possessions, his accomplishments. I began to hate them and yet he sat laughing with them.
” What can I do if everyone wants a piece of me?”, he retorted.
He took from me my time, a priceless commodity I would never get back again. He seductively took my hand and led me away from everything and everyone that I valued. I had to put him first, I had to prove it, over and over again, Prove it!
P R O V E I T!!! He said when I said “I love you”.
I had to prove my worth, my love, fight for my spot with him and breathlessly I fought! Tooth and nail I fought with blood dripping from my eyes I fought for him! I gave up almost everything,
I gave in,
I gave and I gave and I gave and still he said it’s not enough,
prove it more,
prove it again,
P R O V E I T!!!!
I. Was. Depleted.
I. Was. Suffocating.
I. Was. Dying.
He was a cancer possessing every inch of me. I wanted to leave but he held my IV drip between his teeth.