And you’ll cry …

And you’ll cry …

And you won’t even know why it is that you’re crying…

And she won’t even know that she made you cry…

And he won’t even care how his words caused you to break the banks of your heart and let it all out ….

Of your tears no one will know…

So all alone you cry…

And you cry still…

And then you’ll heave…

You’ll heave a sigh so deep that you’ll disappear…

Disappear somewhere that you’ve never been to, somewhere within you. And for a second you won’t cry… You’ll just sit there in silence and breathe…

You’ll listen to your breaths and feel them each, deep and soothing… You’ll feel your heart beating and imagine how your heart looks at that precise moment – torn into shreds and in tatters like someone clawed at it savagely. You’ll envision a pool of blood gushing forth from the sprays of a slashed, torn and broken heart. The current that runs through you will cause you to close your eyes momentarily as you allow the painful charge to flow out of your veins….

And then you’ll remember…

You’ll remember how you never asked to be placed here! In this moment! In this hurricane, this storm! You’ll scream in your mind with rage! You’ll scream at yourself! You’ll scream at her! You’ll scream at him! You’ll shut your eyes and bury your head in your hands as you scream at everyone!

Alas! They won’t hear you…

And then you’ll cry some more…

Perhaps you’ll cry even more than before…

And life will seem unfair…

And you’ll curl up in a ball, lying in prostration on the ground, like a speck of something insignificant, something microscopic that no one else can see. And as you lie there, your tears will run, like rapids over jagged cusps searching for the plunge of a waterfall…

And you cry until you find it and you will find it….
And then you fall…
You free fall…
And you fall and fall as you float in the abyss of why’s, when’s and how’s…..

Until….

Until… You fall into and through the clouds, into Allah’s embrace and comfort…
And then you’ll cry again…
You’ll cry and confess to Allah about every wrong, every word, every deed, every act, every thought that sprouted from a sinful seed…
As if He never knew it before…
But you knew that He always knew…
And your tears will run in rivers down your warm cheeks until they reach the gates of Jannah begging and beseeching Allah to compensate you for this pain that you feel, imploring Allah to forgive you, asking Him softly and humbly that He free you ….

And (eventually) you’ll fall asleep and lose yourself in dreams that you won’t remember…
Of people you’ve never seen and places you’ve never been to…

 And you’ll dream of beautiful things….. Like Angels and forgiveness and Heaven too you’ll see in your dreams but your torn soul will still be bruised tomorrow so you won’t (yet) remember…

And I promise you….

That it won’t hurt you forever…
It might still hurt you tomorrow, maybe even next week but not forever….

And I promise you…

That you won’t cry over this forever…

And one day you’ll heal… And when you do…

You’ll cry again…

But this time you’ll cry out of happiness having forgotten everything, having forgiven everyone…

And your salty tears suddenly turn sweet…

And your heart no longer bleeds….

And you have been (totally and miraculously) healed and freed…

And still you’ll cry …. ❤

 

 

 

Haajar…

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4 thoughts on “And you’ll cry …

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