The sound of his voice sends me tumbling through layers of different memories and spheres of un-lived what if’s. It felt as though I was falling through the clouds, slowly, delicately, capturing every second of the breathtaking view with my eyes as I descended through the atmosphere….
His cracked and raspy “hello” caressed my ears like silk on bare flesh. Like the flash backs that one experiences before they die, I saw every part of our life together before my minds eye. His tanned face, his brown eyes with gold speckles, his freckled nose, his full lips, his cheek bones and even his boyish smile.
“Are you there“? He asks.
But I am nowhere near and where is “there“? I am floating in the abyss of my mind, in the space of suspended time as I encounter how he made me feel, words which he said, gifts that he bought and how I stared back at him wondering if he was sent from heaven just for me.
“Hello“!!! He says more sternly. But still I offer no answer. I am choking on my memories and on my tears.
“I’m sorry“…. He says.
And I smile as a single tear meanders through the plains of a dry valley. Finally. The words I’ve longed to hear and yet they mean nothing to me today. I’m not even “her” any longer. I don’t know where she went or if she’ll ever be back. My heart dulls with a blinding ache as if a blunt knife were turning in my chest. More memories come alive and creep in through the roots of my veins, sending the flow of blood in every direction reminding every part of my body what it was feeling.
I hold the line with white knuckles. Silence blankets me with its shield. I hear breathing, slow, deep, methodic and strong. It sounds like his mouth parts and halts open several times as he contemplates what to say. But he says nothing. And neither do I…
My breathing is synchronized with his on the other side of the line. Its as if I can hear his heart beating, I can feel it thudding, I can feel blood coursing in every direction, frenzied, sending palpitations and heat through me. But all that I really feel is my own heart, my own blood, as I see the images within my own mind…
Images of my tears as they drip from my eyes, like shards of glass falling from a sky scraper, slowly, glistening dangerously, warm and drenched with every emotion that I silently contained! Darkness clouds my mind as I remember how I lived for him. How I owned no soul at that time just living, breathing, walking and waking for him. His smile was why I smiled. His fury catapulted me into rapids of uncertainty as I did everything humanly possible to please another mortal. I remember dying while still alive all because I did not feel worthy of him, because I wondered if he loved me the same…
Those feelings and that person has long departed. She is someone that I once knew. A cloaked shadow, a figment of a character now dead. I feel sad for her and as I remember her, pity washes over me. How could I think that even my soul belonged to him? How could I sit crouched on my knee’s begging him to never leave?
“I still love you” … He says into the line.
‘But I don’t’ I say silently…
” And I always will” … He says to me.
‘But it doesn’t matter to me anymore’ my mind screams …
There’s a click on the line. He’s hung up.
But I stand there, still as a statue. Still I stand there after moments have passed. Wondering, reeling and in awe of how the cycle of life turns. I would have burned his name on every inch of my flesh to prove to him that no one could love him like I did. But today, as he proclaims love for me, I feel empty… I feel freedom from the shackles of a one sided love and I feel sadness that he now gets to swim through a sea of desperation as the circle of sharks close in on him, reducing him, drowning him, stifling him …. ❤ ~H