“Some people feel the need to believe the lies in order to remain happy….”
Some days are just better than others. Some lives seem better than ours. Some moments we spend thinking about the past and what would have happened if we had made different choices, better choices. Some things we just cannot ignore, no matter how hard we try to.
And so I am left to wonder….
Would life be different for me and would it be better had I made different decisions back then?
Would I have become the person that I am today if I chose a different path?…….
When I think of it, I always thought that HE wasn’t dealt the fair share. I felt that he deserved better than me. I felt pity for him when I pictured us together. I thought that I was lucky to have him, with his looks and his personality, I was never a match for him….
But now I realize that HE was the lucky one! It was I who wasn’t dealt the fair share in a partner! I was the doting and faithful wife and he was the roving and unfaithful husband…..
After ten years of knowing him, after five years of being married to him, after two children, it seemed that I was actually living with a stranger! I was sleeping next to a stranger! I was waking up next to a man that I didn’t know! The man that I knew or the man that I thought that I knew never existed. He was merely a figment of my imagination, someone that I wanted to believe existed. I was married to someone else, a master of disguise perhaps for it took years for me to finally see behind the beautiful mask……
and yet I wonder, how could I not know this? How could I not see all of this before? Was I that blind?
I didn’t even realize that I was holding my breath until my lungs began pounding against my chest demanding oxygen… Did I hear her right? Is this a prank? It can’t be true!
“I’m his mistress“. Her words echoed through my ears and bounced off the walls within my head. I had no response to her. What could I say? I held the line silently listening, painfully swallowing fear, hurt and confusion as she kept on saying, “Hello! Hello! Hello!!!!”
Ammatullah was in my arms, falling asleep while nuzzling against my chest and I was frozen dead still. My blood ran ice cold! It was a moment too unbelievable to believe so I kept on telling myself that I was dreaming! Finally she hung up. I still sat there with the telephone cradled next to my ear, waiting…..
Waiting to wake up from this dream. But it wasn’t a dream! Suddenly my whole world had changed. I guess I can say that finally I was awoken and my Creator had brought forth for me to see how imperfect perfection is! He showed me what life was truly about.
That imperfections and blemished creases don’t get ironed out so easily!
I said nothing to him when he arrived home from work that day. He said he’d had a rough day. He was tired and he mumbled something about not being hungry due to a late lunch. He pecked my cheek as he always did. He didn’t ask me how my day was and he never did. He assumes that I sit around reading magazines, watching talk shows without much else to do, “so what’s there to ask about”, he would say. He went straight into his study and I was left to stand there alone, motionless, word less and unable to move….
My limbs jerked back and forth. Do I follow him in and question him?….
Do I wait a while and approach him later when he’s refreshed?….
I wring the dish cloth in my hand until my knuckles are white.
Do I ignore the whole thing…..
Maybe its just a lie…. I hope, I pray that it is….
My life had changed in a matter of hours but still I was looking for the silver lining to see me through. I was still tempted to tell myself another lie. “Just one more lie” the geeky alter ego within me pleaded! I wanted to scream and shout that he was mines! He was all mines! He was mines first!
My mind housed countless words that never left my mouth. My heart held a million emotions that I hid with silence. And this time I couldn’t lie to myself. No matter how hard I tried, this lesson would not leave me until it woke me up from my stupor, until I sat up, looked around and became the woman that I needed to be, for myself, for my children, for my husband, and most of all for my Creator…..
To be continued …