Behind her crafted mask… Episode 10…

An invisible war ensues within me like a hungry fire crawls on the thirsty earth, raging with flames, devouring everything that it see’s, everything that it feels. The desire to forget reaches an olive branch out to me, but just as I lift my hand to accept it, the soured stench of; how can I allow myself to forget, chokes me.

 

How can I just walk away from what happened to me?

Is it not my right and my honor to redeem myself even if only in my own eyes and in my tormented mind?

But do I want to redeem myself or do I want to set myself free from the shackles that bind me?

 

 

This is a sea too rough for me to swim through and with each attempt at reaching the shore, I find myself more battered and bruised then ever before, laying almost lifeless in a pool of tears as memories transport me to “then” ….

 

The thoughts – they start randomly and are triggered by simple everyday things like the sound of the doorbell or perhaps a nostalgic aroma in the air. It all starts with a simple question, an unanswerable question …. “Why ME”?!

 

I could be doing something as simple as making a cup of coffee and the jury within my mind would decide to hold a meeting, a counsel of sorts in the quest for finding answers….

 

 

What did I do to deserve a less than normal childhood?

Why was I unworthy of happiness?

 Why did it happen to me and not to the girl who sat across me in History?

Why do some people lead perfect lives!

 

 

It makes me sick to my stomach, their picture perfect existences. Like a poison coursing through me, slowly, achingly, my insides convulse with contempt, with distaste and with darkened shame…

 

I need release….

I need freedom….

My mind won’t be still….

 

My heart won’t stop racing in attempts to chase the ugly memories away, beating faster at the image of his face with his salt and peppered mustache! Like a caged beast wants to be released from within me, my veins throb with an unknown desire. I want to be free from the pain. I cannot take a second more of its torture, a second more of its shame! …..

 

Steam rises from the bathtub and drops of water make a “plop” sound every few seconds. I lean my head back and allow the warmth of the water to lace its embrace seductively over my flesh.

 

It catches my eye – devilish, lascivious and delicious, taunting me, teasing me with thoughts.

 

The blade glistens and looks so inviting, so promising to me. Perhaps one slash would release these demons. Perhaps a single slit would release the poison and the pain. Perhaps after a few cuts I could be almost brand new…..

 

 

Drops of red tint the clear water that I am submerged within and I feel … freedom….

Like a bird soaring over the ocean or gliding through a valley. I feel free. I feel release(d)….

 

 

Is this the end for me ?

Or….

Is it a whole new beginning?

 

I close my eyes as I lay in a pool of rose tinted water….

 

 

There’s a knock at the door and a little girl calls out to me.

Mummy….

*Silence

Mamma....

*Silence….

Mum are you in there?” …..

 

Still I lay there …. Silently…..
My eyes still closed ….
Steam caressing my open pores, infusing with my seeping cuts, the water turning a deeper shade of crimson with each “plop” sound …

 

The tapping at the door fades…

Her voice becomes softer….

Still I soar through the clouds….

Still I fly never wanting to be found…..

 

 

To Be Continued…..

Haajar…

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