Still I questioned….
Why was I always so full of questions!!? Again the why’s!!!!
Why does he want me?
He’s probably after the same thing right, the same thing that they all come for! But he never asked to sleep with me…..
I met my husband on a frozen Saturday afternoon as snow flakes fell onto the ground and all around. The trees had turned pure white, the buildings and benches looked as though they had been dusted with powdered sugar. I imagined licking them, slurping up their sweet sugary goodness. I sat at the bus stop looking at single flakes falling onto the tar before me. I fantasized about capturing each one like moths in a jar. I would store them in the freezer and never allow them to melt. When I felt sad, I could pull out my jar of imaginary sugary goodness and slurp up some.
I leaned forward and stuck my tongue out allowing a single flake to fall onto my tongue. The flake landed on target and immediately melted. I swallowed the iced water droplet. It wasn’t sweet like I imagined it would be. Nothing in my life was ever sweet was it. A voice startled me asking, ” is anyone sitting here?”.
I shifted over without giving him an answer. My head was low and I didn’t look at him but I knew that if he asked me, I would let him, I would let him have his way, I always let them, it means nothing to me….
He never asked. I kept on seeing him everywhere! At the mall, at the supermarket,on my way home at the same bus stop almost everyday. Was he following me? What does he want!
He was relentless in his efforts! He wanted to get to know me he said. I wondered why would he want to read a non-fiction horror story!
He brought flowers. He brought chocolates. When those didn’t work, he brought jewelry, he even brought me my favorite – he brought books. All the while trying to give me his heart. I refused them all. I took his heart and threw it on the ground, trampling it on my way out. I didn’t need love! I needed to forget! Did love even exist? Are people ever kind without a reason, without an agenda…..
And so I wondered…..
If love did exist and if there were a few kind souls walking the lonely streets of the world, why did I get to bump into one of them?
Why do some people get lucky? Even the undeserving one’s like me?
Why do I deserve a kind and loving man? Who decided that I get to be loved?
The emotions were too much for me. He stripped my soul bare while he left my clothes on. He saw my scars and he kissed every single one. I had never felt anything like it before. It was unfamiliar and scarier than anything I had lived through. I knew how to feel miserable, I did not know how to feel safe, loved and cared for. So I found every way to sabotage our relationship.
I didn’t deserve someone like him. He deserved better than me.
But he refused to leave. He broke down walls and bolted doors, he cut through imaginary fences, bleeding and hurting, still he fought for me…. And still I wondered why!!!!
Finally I gave in ….
I allowed someone to love me….
It felt wonderful….
It felt strange…
And I never felt worthy of it….
Someone had once told me that its not worth kissing a boy if something doesn’t happen down in the pit of your tummy while you kiss him. I never believed that such chemistry could exist. I thought that everyone was calculating their next move and so was I.
But it turns out that such kisses do exist and even the blemished one’s like me get to feel them by some stroke of luck…
I told him that my life was a storm, a hurricane. He said ” I’m not afraid of thunder and lightning”….❤
To be continued…