“If I could go back”….
We all want to lead (near to) perfect lives or live in a blissful existence don’t we. No one envisions or asks Allah for difficulties and tests but rather we all ask Allah for ease and comfort. Yet sometimes, the beauty and bliss to existence has nothing to do with perfection or with ease but it has everything to do with those whom you meet….
My daughter entered this world as dusk settled over the city skies on a Wednesday evening weighing in at 3 kg’s. She was beyond perfect and like nothing I had ever laid eyes on before. Her lips were like red rosebuds ready to bloom, her cheeks were soft and creamy and her skin was so delicate to touch infused with the insatiable scent of heaven……
When I stared at her brand new, un-tainted,unspoiled, unblemished new born eye’s as an electric surge of peace radiated between she and I, I could see that there was nothing missing from her face, nothing except the face of her brother when he leaned in closer to kiss her forehead gently…..
Life as we knew it catapulted into mayhem! My daughter DID NOT have Downs’ Syndrome and I DID NOT traverse the lonely path of depression again, Alhamdulillah.
I held onto my Allah’s hand and I called for His help all through the journey, around each corner, each bend and over each hill.
Yusuf loved his sister immediately and he loved her immensely but it was difficult for him to watch me care for her so much, to watch me bond with her, to watch me see to her. He would sometimes assess my actions silently while standing in the shadows and behind the scenes, watching while I wasn’t even aware that he was there, curiously watching me bathe her, watching me smile at her or even just look at her and at other times he would make his emotions known to me by throwing things at me in an attempt to get me to stop nursing Zahra, to stop touching her, to look at him and to focus on him only. These moments were difficult and I embraced them with dhikr and with duaa asking Allah to grant me comfort, help and ease!
Whilst whirling through the storm of mothering growing children like Yusuf and Zahra, it felt debilitating and depleting a lot of the time, but I can now say and I can see today that even then my Allah’s hand was laced in mine.
Life is such, is it not…. You get over one hurdle only to encounter another hurdle, a bigger hurdle! And as you look at the obstacle course before you, wondering how will you ever get through it, you suddenly find yourself closing your eyes, leaping forward and making the attempt as if someone else was behind you, spurring you on, pushing you forward without much doing on your part…. I finally got out of the well of depression and accepted my life for what it was,I accepted the challenges of my life and then more hurdles were hurled my way. Dealing with Yusuf’s temper tantrums was but one way. Finding a school that would accommodate his (special) needs was another. Taking him out in public was something that I always dreaded, the looks, the stares from passersby, the questions from curious children would turn Yusuf into someone other than my darling prince! It was like he was a different child armed with silent emotions … and the worst was when Yusuf was not silent and he reacted to unkind people! He is the most honest person that I know and he can read through anyone’s eyes as if he is just gifted with the ability of sifting out the insincere people with a hidden radar. If he likes you then he likes you immediately and if he doesn’t then there isn’t a thing that you could do to change his over active mind…..
Eventually we found a school that was equipped to see to his needs albeit it being in another town which was a challenge to work around! But when it comes to the one’s that you love, you’ll find yourself bending over and twisting in any direction just to see to their needs. Nothing is easy and whose to say what is difficult? I know that when your hand is in the Almighty’s hand and when you place your trust in Him alone -(Tawakkul)- then you’re always on the right course and although the path may seem to be laden with thorns and shattered glass to the naked eye, it feels like rose petals beneath your own feet.… SubhanAllah…
The days were passing by faster than I could see, the oceans were ebbing and flowing even though I did not notice the rising of the tide, the moon would wax and wane all the while having the entire earth oblivious to its course and while all of this was happening Yusuf and Zahra too were growing, they were morphing and they were becoming individuals in their own right.
When I picture it now, I can see myself sometimes standing aback as I watched time fly away like a butterfly with each second that ticked past, watching my children fall in love and grow into unique and individual beings.
They say that we’ll never get to touch the flow of water twice. Once it passes through your fingers, its gone, never to return again. The moments of days gone by are much the same…
I’ll never get to travel back to them, to press pause or rewind and then repeat so that I can watch the moments of laughter, the moments of frustration, the moments of love, over and over again. I’ll never get to freeze the moment that I held Yusuf in my arms for the very first time, I won’t get to pat myself on the back as I cried myself to bed while lost in the dark tunnels of depression, I won’t get to hear Yusuf’s first words again or to perfect something I wish I had done better back then. And although I’ll never get to go back, I’ll constantly play those moments on the projector of my mind as I recall the moment that I was swallowed by my son’s amazing aura and being having met him properly for the first time after four months or how amazing it felt when he said my name and touched my face…
Sometimes my mind races off in wonder! I wonder about this and that then I wonder about that and this!
What will happen to Yusuf if I leave this world before him?
Worse still, what if he leaves this world before me!!?
How will I live without him?
What if things were different and one day I just woke up seeing that it was all a dream….
I always reach the same exhausted point of wonder breathless as I ask myself, if I could go back again, would I change anything?
Would I go back and correct the mix up in chromosomes with my less than perfect son even if just to offer him and not myself a better life?
Not even a chance…
I am me because of him and he is Yusuf despite me. My absence or presence in his life did not alter his existence in anyway. If he had the right number of chromosomes I guess he would be someone else, a different child and person, someone other than Yusuf and I can’t picture him being anyone else. If I were not the one selected, honored and chosen to birth him, then surely Allah would have chosen someone better than me, someone amazing and yet he chose no one else but He chose me, the thought still baffles me…. He chose me….. Alhamdulillah
To be continued…
If you could go back to a time that has floated passed you, would you go back and what would you do there?
Would you change anything?
Would you change a few things?
How would you choose what to change?
What guarantee do you have that changing anything would make for a better life?
And as you sit there wondering about this don’t forget to remind yourself that Allah chose you… He specially selected you! What an honor indeed….
All praises to Allah only…❤