Today the weather was grey, yet again! Everything was dark and damp and muddy… I wondered if the sun would ever appear again! Has it fallen out of the sky? Has it lost its way like me? The torrents of memories flooded me again…. I felt paralyzed…. I was choking and reeling in pain, twisting and turning as the poison from my mind seeped through me. My eyes were like over flowing wells and there was no place that I could turn to without being slashed by the reminders, without being flashed by the images.
Finally my weeping heart could take no more of the agony. My emotions had reached their peek, to my Lord I needed to off-load and to speak. My sadness, my worry and my concern had ripened like a fruit out in the blistering sun. My heart was so heavy that I could not speak, I could not think. I could barely set a foot in front of another. The pain was metaphysical. These memories were debilitating and I could think of nothing good that the memory of my past brought forth. I sat motionless but beyond the spaced out look in my eyes I was convulsing as I wondered how do I repay my Lord for everything that I’ve done wrong?! How I do I retract and take these actions back!!!? Woe! Why! Oh my Lord if only ….
If only I never sinned….
If only I never forgot you at those moments of sinning….
If only I never lived….
The ripened fruit released its sweet juices as tears trickled through my eyes and down my cheeks. The weight of my heavy heart pulled me low to the ground. A hush of silence filled my inner being as tears ebbed and flowed out of me. Locked in a sweet embrace with my Allah, I shut the world out, I locked the door and the windows to the world as the stream flowed in a silent conversation between me and Him …..
“O son of Adam, as long as you call upon Me and put your hope in Me, I have forgiven you for what you have done and I do not mind. O son of Adam, if your sins were to reach the clouds of the sky and then you would seek My forgiveness, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, if you were to come to Me with sins that are close to filling the earth and then you would meet Me without ascribing any partners with Me, I would certainly bring to you forgiveness close to filling it.” – quran
My head lifts off the dampened ground and my heart lifts from the hollow of darkened walls. Images of hell fire begin to evade me as hope washes, quenches and replenishes my soul, my mind, my heart. It seems that some good did come out of my sin. If I had never sinned then perhaps it would be that I would have nothing to cry to Allah about. Perhaps I would ask for Jannah as nonchalantly as I ask for a sip of water. Perhaps my tears and my fears enable me to be a better servant as I’m in constant turmoil of hope versus fear. Perhaps, just perhaps, I became more sincere in my efforts only because I knew what the weight of regret felt like….
Judge no one for some people find Allah in the depth of sin and regret….