I have decided to be quirky and dedicate the next few posts to different people, just because…
This post is dedicated to Sumayya Moosa, Ifrar Waqar, Rabia Kara and Shabana Yacoob just because they’ve been waiting the whole day for it😁
I had made up my mind to confess to Ahmed…. I practically rehearsed every step that i would take and every word that i would utter and I pretended that I knew exactly how it would play out. Although I liked to be well prepared I knew that when the moment arrives, all the words would suddenly evade me, all the thoughts would get mixed up and I’ll stand (or sit) there feeling numb and ice cold although my insides would burn up like a blazing inferno….
I would first confess. He’s mouth would freeze in a skewish position the moment I mention the name ‘Zain’. I would not allow even one empty second to hang in the air! The moment I said the name ‘Zain’ I would continue without even drawing in a new breath. I would then reveal that for all this time, I have known about his infidelity. I have tried to work out what will happen thereafter, Alas! nothing comes to mind…..
At the moment that I decided to take this bold step and confess, I knew that I had to do this. Whatever may come after would come but I needed to face my fears head on.
But then yet again something unexpected happened to me….
I found out that I’m pregnant…..
My first thought was…. nothing
I must have even stopped breathing as I gazed at the two blue lines on the stick.
I drew a blank….
It was like I found a bundle of treasure that had just mysteriously appeared on my front step one morning. I stood there wondering how did it find me….
Then I uttered Alhamdulillah. Out of all the women on this earth, Allah chose to gift me?! He’s chosen me, my life and my home to welcome to this world an innocent, pure and unblemished child!? …..
The thought was overwhelming….
Suddenly I was torn between doing what I needed to do for myself (or what I thought I needed to) and doing what was right for my unborn child as well as my other children. The protective motherly instinct kicked in and I saw nothing but my unborn child before my eyes….
I decided to keep my secret a secret for a little while longer as I allowed the news of my pregnancy to marinade in my mind. Istikhara had given me no precise or definitive answer. Some moments I was convinced that confessing was the road to salvation and other moments the thought of exposing my sin sat heavy between my chest and my throat. But perhaps this pregnancy was the answer that I’ve been seeking. It seems that there was a lot more for me to still figure out.
The road that I was traveling on for what felt like the longest time, had not yet lead to my destination. Many times I thought that it had. But just as I was about to become comfortable with where I was, yet again something kept me moving on. The caravan moves along a dusty rocky road but I don’t mind, it gives me time to talk to Allah, to think about Allah, to discover the magnificence of Allah in many more ways….
The longer I kept my secret about Zain to myself and the more that I fervently prayed for an answer on what to do, the more I realized that it was Allah who chose to veil and to cover my secret and flaws from my husbands eyes and yet it was also Allah who chose to expose my husbands wrongs to me! Why he chose to work this way I would never know. Maybe I would be able to forgive Ahmed but perhaps Ahmed would never be able to forgive me! Is this the reason? If Allah knows what we do and then protects it from cruel and unforgiving eyes because we ask his forgiveness, do we still need to blurt out our wrongs to those same unforgiving souls? We can never know what Allah’s plan is or why it is the way that it is. I was just simply grateful that my sin was only known to Allah and to myself, of course it was known to Zain too! May Allah put softness in his heart to protect my imperfections.
The other day I heard the most amazing and inspirational words at our taalim. The speaker said that the sahaaba most often had horrible and sinful pasts, as we know, and yet they were not judged on their days of ignorance. They were judged after embracing and turning to Allah. Similarly, we are judged the same way (insha Allah). Allah judges us from the moment we turn back to him, from the moment that we repent, from the moment that we stop the sin and seek his forgiveness. Insha Allah…. What a kind and merciful Allah! It fills even a sinner such as me with hope….
A sign of forgiveness is when you no longer desire to sin in the way that you once desired to…..
So…. I’m having another baby!!!!
My eyes fill with tears as I recount all that I have done wrong! And yet, and yet Allah still chooses to entrust me with a gift that bears more value and weight than even gold, the gift of a life….
I can’t believe how my life is changing (yet) again! Am I ready for another change? Have I released the effects and emotions from the last change? Am I fit to bring another child into this cruel and cold world!? What if I suffer post natal depression or a mental breakdown? How will I cope? How will my husband take this news of another baby that’s on its way?! Will he find it an inconvenience as it throws a spanner in on his “activities” on the side?
Maybe this baby is exactly what we need….
But what if things turn more acidic! More volatile! Then a poor innocent child would live through years of this situation and its ill effects!!!
But I won’t let anything harm my baby! And my husband is a good and loving father. He’ll be happy, I’m sure of it. But for some reason I hesitate and put off telling him until I’m already 12 weeks along….
As if things were not already complicated enough with me being pregnant, me hiding my secret, me hiding the fact that I know my husbands secret! My world was altered yet again! My path to travel was lengthened just a bit more! When will I reach home I wondered….
I guess I’ve not learned nearly enough!
“I’m pregnant” I say to Ahmed…..
His face instantly turns white and his eyes are wide!
” Is this a joke?” He asks me…..
” Why would I joke about being pregnant”! I tell him….
What is wrong with him? This reaction is so unlike him. Its the last thing that I expected to hear from him! But then again I didn’t expect to find out that he’s been cheating on me either!
I can see that his face is worn out with worry. Maybe the effects of what his doing behind my back is finally eating him up just as it ate me up! I watch him slumped on his chair and suddenly I see how much his aged in these recent months. I’m astounded that I never noticed it before…. His hair has more grey, his face is shadowed with more lines and then he sighed a heavy sigh that I never heard before….
He told me that he needs to speak to me and it was as if I was watching this play out in slow motion while hovering somewhere in mid-air.
I knew that he was about to confess…
And confess he did….
But when he was done I felt more lost than even before….. My faith was once again being shaken…… My happy moment was stampeded on and once again I wondered if I could withstand it!
The road ahead looks long and tiring now. How will I manage this treacherous journey that awaits me tomorrow! ? I have no strength. I want to lie down somewhere and turn into a heap of sand and then allow the wind to disperse me to different parts of the world as I release these effects of being me!
The light (of eemaan) was flickering fast and furiously then it was dwindling and burning weak and low. Will I get through this again?
To be continued