A few facts about this story:
This story will soon close and draw to its end! Alhamdulillah and yet what a story it has turned out to be! Some read it because it was scandalous and came across as sensationalism but this was not my intention in writing it! After part five I wanted to kill them off and say that I don’t know what happens next, the day of judgment arrived and each had to face the result of their actions! But I wouldn’t do that. The point of this story was to give the sinner hope and who is the sinner in question? We all are! We all sin in some way or another! I also wanted to remind us all to never judge a person, who knows, tomorrow we could become the one’s whom we judged! Sometimes I’m so grateful that its coming to its point and end! Its been draining mentally! Its as if I become the characters while I try to portray their thoughts and their pain . And I’ve loved the anonymity in writing such a tale of fiction! I pass people on the street who have read it, who discuss it and yet they don’t even know that its me whose written it and that I’m standing behind them! I appreciate all the feedback, jazakallah❤ . Some people thought that the descriptive detail was too disturbing at times, if you are one of them I apologize. I have decided to post an update daily until the story ends and that should be in about four more parts, oh yes, and I still don’t have an end! If after we read this story we still find that judgmental element claw and grip us then perhaps we need to read it again! Thousands have read this, sometimes in a single day over a thousand + would read it and yet the stats don’t interest me, I hope that the one person that needed to read it has read it or will still read it, Insha-Allah. And if you wondering where was this story conceived, like the tale began,” amidst the line at the department store”! I stood there looking at the shoppers all lost in their own thoughts and I wondered, ” what are they thinking”? Finally, I have to thank all those who shared this story, perhaps because of you that one destitute sinner feels a flutter of hope. A personal thank you to Mumtaz Moosa Saley, author of confessions of an addict(and my cousin-in law), for her unselfish ability or is it capability. There aren’t many people like her! And I could never forget to thank my bestie Safiyya(of bodybeautiful), who always reads my madness when my mind inhibits me to believe that I can actually write! She offers unwavering encouragement for which I would never be able to thank her for, even with beautiful words….
Its uncanny how life can change. One day everything is perfect and the next day you don’t know what happened or what hit you… This morning as I woke up I saw the sky crying in torrents of rain and then suddenly the cries stopped and the sun came out smiling at me instead. One day you look back on all that’s happened and you realize that you’re not even the you that you were anymore, you feel and you are brand new, All praises to Allah….
But have you ever noticed and have you ever wondered why it is that knock after knock, blow after blow, for some amazing reason, you seem to still be standing….
Why is that and what is the reason for it?
Its amazing when you silence your mind and let it run wild to graze and to ponder over who you are, over where you’ve come from and most importantly, to ponder over where you’re headed to…
We’ve managed to weather our battered souls through each torrential storm so as to unearth a wealth of discoveries! So as to learn; to learn who to love (Allah first) and to learn what love really means! So that we can ride the tide and change to become who we were meant to be.
Your heart was designed by Allah and it was designed to house only Allah…. It is unrealistic to expect another heart to take care of your heart or to love you perfectly. When your heart has been emptied of all that consumes it then only will your heart succumb to Him, submit to Him and beat only for Him…
And I can finally say that this is what has happened to me! Every desire that I had has been replaced with my desire for Allah’s pleasure and now that I’m free from the blinding fog I can see clearly, I can understand vividly and I can only but be grateful that Allah always held my hand….
Zain has almost become a vague memory to my once tormented mind. Sometimes I won’t think of him everyday. My heart no longer aches for him for the reasons that it used to and this proves to me that it was probably never love that I felt for him. Love is not a dirty secret nor is it a hidden feeling. Love is something beautiful and special and it can only flourish when it is halal. Maybe it was flattery or loneliness that drew me into his dangerous flame. Maybe I was infatuated or smitten rather than really being in love with him. Or maybe it was all a part of my destiny as it cracked, bent and molded me into the person that I needed to become….
The only emotion that I feel now when Zain creeps sneakily into mind is regret, remorse and fear! Fear for the wrongs that I committed with him ( I ask Allah to forgive us both!).
When you are engulfed by wrong and by sin it is as if you are walking through a heavy dark fog! You feel the weight of the darkness heavy on your shoulders. You can’t see anything clearly. You can’t understand your bearings. You walk deeper and further into the smog and you feel like you’re being swallowed into the belly of something evil and vile without knowing if there would ever be a way out. You know that you must find a way out! You pray that you eventually get out! So your heart is all the while silently pleading to Allah for this way out! And eventually, He allows you to see the light….. Alhamdulillah…..
I tried so hard to be vigilant and careful in hiding my dirty secret from my husband and from the rest of the world. But as the dawn of reality woke me from my blinding stupor, I realized that Allah was always watching me. When realization sets in after the storm has passed, you wonder; how could I not see it this way before? How could I not realize!!!?
Every step that I took is recorded, every word that I uttered is written down (somewhere) and when hopelessness comes to visit me again, I ask Allah to grant me Afuw ( forgiveness without taking me to account)!
We hide from the world but the King and Lord of the Worlds is ever watchful over us!
The moment that I turned my back on the world, the world picked up the telephone in a desperate attempt to get hold of me! But what did it want? And why now after all this time? My mind was laced with confusion as I tried to understand and to fathom…. Like I said earlier, life is uncanny... Something’s we’ll never understand….
I had hardly regained all of my lost strength. It felt like I was barely standing on my own for very long and then the reminder of my past came knocking again. It came calling, begging and asking me to please allow it to enter…
Zain called me the other day….
I silently gasped! What does he want, I thought…. I sat there staring at his name flashing on the screen wondering what should I do! Do I answer? Do I press ignore? I was taken aback. I was dumbfounded… in the end I didn’t answer his call….
His call had called scratched the surface of the new protective plaster on my heart and for the rest of the day his face kept torturing my mind! Suddenly I was consumed with wonder as my mind ran off without my consent! I wondered a whole array of things; I wondered who he was now with, I wondered what he thinks of me now, I wonder if he knows what Ahmed is doing behind my back, and I kept on wondering why would he call me….
The next day he texted me:
“Can we speak?”
He’s sorry? Why is he sorry now?
I wonder what’s changed. I’ve finally regained the strength to walk away from that part of my life! I doubt that I could ever muster enough strength to talk to him again! At least that’s how it felt! Why is he coming back to pull me in again?! What could he possibly want to speak to me about?
A part of me wants to run and hide and a very small part of me wants to hear what he has to say. But for the moment, I choose to ignore his text and his call….
My marriage is still sailing through troubled sea’s. The ebb and flow of the ocean current keeps us afloat, for now, but eventually we will have to find a way out of where we are….
Sometimes I want to purge everything out of me. I want to tell Ahmed what I’ve done and with whom I’ve done it, all because I want to have a fresh start and a clean slate. Sometimes I feel like I need to do this! But I’m certain that he’ll never forgive me nor will he understand even though he seems to be engulfed by worst than what I did! And that’s just the thing with human beings. They expect forgiveness and understanding from each other and from Allah yet they find it so very difficult to forgive each other! Yet I must wonder something; would I forgive him for all of his transgressions if I did not commit my own wrongful actions? Would I understand that he is a human and that humans were liable to err, that they were designed to fall, to break hearts, and thereafter liable to realize and that they were also liable to change?
As a wife I have faced such devastation in the face of my husbands secrets! Secret habits that no wife should have to deal with! Secrets that I’ve had to keep as part of my own little secret! His secrets are enough to make any woman consider leaving her marriage! Wallahi it is only because of my own sins that I am able to try to overcome what he has done or what he is doing. It is because of my own sins that I can understand the gift of forgiveness. I will forgive him because I wish that Allah forgives me…. I am so grateful that Allah chose to hide my sins…. He chose to keep my secrets…. Perhaps he knows that only He would forgive me for them…..
When we are reminded how imperfect we are, we are then filled with compassion and humility and if our imperfections do not allow us to feel this for another then sadly, it seems that we’re still treading the wrong way!
The time for confrontation draws nearer and closer. I can feel something happening in my bones, call it a sixth sense…
I wonder, where will we go to from here? Is there hope for my husband and I? What if he refuses to stop all his ways? Am I forced to accept living life this way? Maybe some of you would call it a fitting punishment for what I’ve done! Yet I beg to differ, I don’t think that its a punishment for my sins anymore. Allah first forgives, then only does he punish!
” Oh son (daughter) of Aadam, if you were to come to me with an ocean full of sins, know that I am able to forgive you”. SubhanAllah.
When waswaas washes over me and the thoughts of my past cripples me, I recite these words over and over again.
I think that what has happened between my husband and I is a lesson and I know for certain that it is a test. I did the same thing to him yet I have evaded being brought to justice for it! Will I understand that he is imperfect, just as I am?
I know that to fix my life I have to start by fixing myself. I could never expect him to stop if I was not ready to. And now that I have done this, now that I have stopped my sin with Zain I accept that patience is a virtue which will see you enter Jannah, Insha Allah…. So I patiently make duaa and I await the day when Ahmed turns his life around…. Duaa is my only weapon now….
Some days I’m filled with rage at what he’s doing! I want to present all the evidence to him and demand an answer, an apology and a promise that he will stop!
But promises are just empty words sometimes….
He could promise me beautiful lies, but if he doesn’t ask Allah to make him successful in his attempts then how will he ever be successful?
The only worthwhile change is the change that is undertaken for Allah….
I still have the concern that if I confront him, then I too will have to come clean about my sins? Do I really need to tell him? Would you confess to sins that Allah has kept a secret for you? Do I tell him what I’ve done and with whom I’ve done it? Am I ready to do that? Am I ready to accept the responsibilities that come with admitting to that? And if I do, will my marriage be over thereafter?
Maybe that’s just what’s meant to happen here. Maybe this is not just simply a curve but what if its the end of the story for ‘us’. Maybe these secrets and lies have removed the barakah and blessing from my home forever! Maybe he will divorce me and maybe I will sit through my iddat reflecting on what comes next for me.
A stupid thought enters my mind; “maybe Zain will want to be with you now and you can have the life with him that you once wanted”.
Will the waswaas ever leave me!!!?
But I don’t want that anymore!
I know what I want but still I’m plagued by silly thoughts and suggestions!
I still love Ahmed and even if I didn’t I wouldn’t want a divorce because of my children.
But if I confront him about his own wrong doings will he deny it? Will he admit to it? Will he say, so what! What are you going to do Fatima!!? Will my home withstand this trial and this test and am I making the right decision for my children’s sake?
What if I spiral into yet another depression if he refuses to change or if I continue to discover more and more of his infidelity? Who will help me to pick up the pieces again!
My heart palpitates… All these thoughts! All these concerns and questions overwhelm me…..
Of course I know who will help me if I fall. I smile as I remember who helped me pick up the pieces of my shattered life the last time, Allah will…..
I seek Allah’s answer in what should I do through istikhara and no matter what thoughts, fears or feelings grip and throttle me, I will do that which Allah chooses for me to do.
They say that the truth will set you free. In my case I have to hope and believe that the truth is going to save my marriage….
To be continued…