My mind is still a confused mess! How do I pick up the pieces of my life and where do I even begin?! Some mess is just too overwhelming to even attempt cleaning up, so we just stand there and gaze at the shards of glass and the dried blood on the floor.
I still crave the attention that I got from Zain. No man ever made me feel the way that he did! No man ever made me feel so beautiful, so valued, so special… Yet no man ever made me feel so much fear, so much regret, so much sadness when I recounted my actions! ….
When I told him that its over maybe I wanted him to refuse to let me walk away from him. I think that there’s a part of me that wanted him to say that he WILL NOT let me go! A part that wanted him to beg me to stay. I wanted to hear him say to me; ” babe let’s just run away”!
But he didn’t say any of those things. He said that he understood and then he let me go….
Now I look at my life after the hurricane has died down. I see the damage and the destruction that I’ve caused to my home and it leaves me breathless in a different way! Shredded pieces of a beautiful picture stare at me with questioning eye’s and in return, I too stare back with questions of my own. I wonder why did I slice through that image of a happy home, how perfect that picture once was. Now I wonder how to and if I even can restore it……
This was self inflicted harm! You could even call it suicide! I have no one to blame but myself for this mess!
But why has this happened to ME!!? And how DID I get into this mess???
I did not go out in search of something like this!
I would have rather died a thousand times then get caught up in an extra marital affair! When I came to know of others who have been gripped by this epidemic; that of infidelity, I felt repulsed by them. How could anyone intentionally destruct or destroy their own home! Who sets off a bomb under the same roof as their loved ones?
I never knew that I too would one day become “one of them”….
I once saw a picture on instagram which read ” don’t judge your brother for the sin that plagues him for you never know, it could one day plague you too”……
I have made a promise to myself to be a better wife and mother. So I try to get my mind aligned by immersing myself in dhikr to try and appease this torn and bruised soul of mine. Some days are better than others. Some days all that I am able to do is think of texting or calling him. My limbs jerk back and forth as I contemplate contacting him. But I restrain myself. I don’t make that call or send that text. How I find the strength to do this (or not do this), I don’t even know….. But each time that my phone rings or beeps with a text message, my heart flutters and a part of me still wants it to be him.
But he doesn’t text me and he doesn’t call me…..
I feel abandoned by him although I am the one who asked for space. But I am left to wonder; if he loved me, if he really and truly loved me, would he have let me go so easily?
I have tried to become more affectionate towards my husband but he seems distanced, aloof or distracted so my efforts to swoon him have returned fruitless…. Is it just my imagination as guilt plagues me, as my mind battles reality and illusion and as my heart battles to flutter in beats or is he totally uninterested in me? I don’t think that he was always this way! He seems lost within his phone, lost in his own world. Did I not notice this about him before, while I myself was lost within my own world? When I see him staring at his screen, I wish I had Zain to talk to again. I would tell him what a jerk Ahmed is being. I would ask him what I should do. I would ask if he could meet me tomorrow…. But how could I forget; Zain is the reason that I am in this mess!!!
Life truly is that vicious circle that we always hear about. What you do to others finds its way around until it comes back to slap you. Remember this……
With my husband’s aloofness and lack of interest in me, I begin to feel even more rejected, even more alone and even more confused. A dagger has been forced through my barely fluttering heart and it stays there permanently. This pain never leaves me. Panic and anxiety attacks have become a norm for me nowadays, they kick in spontaneously…..
I constantly battle my thoughts, my regrets, my fears and my hopes for forgiveness. Yet most days, I feel totally hopeless, totally helpless…
I keep on thinking of ways to bring back the love that once engulfed my home. I thought about taking a vacation alone with Ahmed but when I suggested it he looked at me like I was insane and he retorted saying that he has work to do! I crave love and affection from him but sometimes he passes me by like I’m a ghost; unseen and invisible, as if I’m not even standing there in the passageway…
Maybe we could plan another baby…. Ahmed always said that he wanted a soccer team of kids……
What am I thinking!!!! And what is wrong with me?!!!
Just a few short weeks ago I wanted another life, with another man and now I’m thinking of bringing another life into this mess of mine!?
I need help. I need intervention. I need understanding and I need love! ….
I need a hand to hold, and a shoulder to cry on! I need someone to talk to! ….
But who can I talk to? Who would understand me without judging me? Who would protect and cover my secret??? Who would shield me!!?
My mind is screaming these questions but I am so blind…. so deaf…. so mute…. that I cannot even hear Allah when he says to me, “I will”…..
The effects of my recent past see’s me enter a dark world of depression. I spin through the abyss of black, of loneliness, of sadness, all the while waiting to, anticipating to, counting the seconds until I reach rock bottom….
I constantly feel low, I feel sad and worthless every second of most days. Everything feels dark, hollow and cold within me. Its like the sun and all its warmth has left my home and my soul. Is this the punishment for all my wrongdoing? It probably is….
If I could go back and change anything I would turn on my heels, run back and do it in a heartbeat! I would never look up at him when the little voice in my head whispered for me to. I wouldn’t respond to his texts. I would have never let go and allowed myself to free fall into his embrace. Yet there’s nothing that I can do about it now. I am grateful that we never slept together. How would I have lived through that!?
I am filled with anger, with grief, with regret, with remorse and even with bouts of frustration as I replay every step of mine in the wrong direction.
Images of our time spent together still flash in my mind. They still torture me. I wonder, will they ever stop?
I remember one afternoon most vividly. I was lying on his lap gazing at the leaves as they shivered against the cool breeze. It was so quite and serene. We were tucked away behind a hedge, hidden from public view. We felt safe and secure. He was stroking my hair gently. It was heavenly. Birds were singing for us, clouds were forming love patterns in the sky just for him and I. Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere really, I sat up in shock. A thought occurred to me and it choked me like soot had entered my nose and throat! I coughed aloud and I coughed uncontrollably! He gave me a sip of water and rubbed my back until I calmed down….
The sky, the clouds, the leaves, they all swirled around in my mind making me feel ill and dizzy…..
I looked up at those leaves in horror as I wondered; would they testify to my wrongdoing on the day of judgment? Are they shivering out of fear for me?
I looked to the sky and clouds and I silently asked them; “would you testify against me too?”.
The birds continued chirping but it no longer sounded like singing to me. I pierced my ears and I thought that they must be shouting an unreadable warning that Allah was watching me! That the angels were scripting my actions!
Even though I was tucked away behind a hedge, I was still in full view of Allah but for a split second, it slipped my mind….
I bury my face in my hands now whenever it comes back to memory….
Sometimes I blame only him for all of this, then I blame myself, I even blame my husband for neglecting me but ultimately it can only be my own fault. I took each step, I lived through each moment, I knew that what I was doing was so very wrong and I did it anyway, promising to stop tomorrow.
I am most angry at shaytaan! He whispers and suggests all these wrongful acts, planting desires that you never even knew were there. Then when you take the bait and fall he leaves you stranded there, to drown in the middle of a dark and bottomless ocean…..
Sometimes I think of ending my life. It would be easier to sleep away these troubles, to sleep through these thoughts…… And that’s when I started taking sleeping pills. Actually I took any sleeping aid that I could get my hands on! Cough syrups, pain pills, I would have even smoked something in a desperate attempt to stop thinking and to find sleep!
My life spirals out of control more and more and I’m not even present to witness it as I escape to sleeps bitter sweet slumber…
But each day I wake up again. Still damaged. Still torn and bruised. The invisible dagger in my chest twists a little bit just to remind me that it is still there, and all that I can think of doing is going back to sleep…..
My name is Fatima and this is my story…..
I am an addict to sleeping pills. The cause of my addiction is the result of spending a short frame of my life in the displeasure of Allah…. My soul could not bear the effects of these sins upon me. The weight of my actions and my errors have crippled me to the point of what feels like permanent irreversible devastation !
I wonder, is this is my punishment for the time spent in the displeasure of my Creator?
Will I suffer this torment until this sleep transports me to an ethereal passage way?
And once I step over that threshold, will I finally find true peace there?
Each time that I close my eyes and I doze off to sleep, I pray to never wake up again….
To Be Continued….