Its been months since I began living this lie; this double life, this love affair and this secret existence with another man!
Months of calls, months of texts and months of secret and open meetings. Secret trips to the next town as we sit in a car park or on a playground where no one knows us, while all the while I scan my surroundings and say a silent duaa that no one see’s us together! Open meetings as I serve him and my husband tea or supper in our house!
It sounds sick I know. I still feel repugnance wash over me when I think of it after all this time….
Judge me if you like but just remember to be perfect for the rest of your life thereafter!
In these short months it feels as if the entire world has changed! MY world has changed…. After the ” honeymoon period” elapsed, I felt less of the electricity and thrill and more of guilt and confusion.
My stress levels have spiked to highs I have never been to before! Sleep has no bed in my home anymore and heavy dark bags have set up camp under my eyes instead. I toss and turn and think about what to do! How to do it and when would be the best time to walk out of my home. I constantly feel anxiety and guilt. Why can’t I just stop this and walk away from this wrong? Am I that weak of a being? Will my children accept him as their father? This sounds sick when I say it to myself now…..
It kills me when I see the two of them sitting side by side watching a football match on a Saturday afternoon. My teeth clench, my mouth becomes dry and my breath catches momentarily. I need to steady my breathing manually when I see how close my husband is to him. I’m an awful person I know and I’m going to hell – a whisper, a thought comes to remind me of my sins and the whispers never cease to come with their reminders…. But just as guilt riddles me , he throws me a wink which I catch in slow motion. His lid droops and his mouth curves upward. My husband doesn’t see this, he’s too engrossed in what’s happening on the screen to see this scene before him but then he yells something at the television and soon they’re both immersed in the game again while I stand there, out of place, out of my mind! This situation is so messed up!
I think that the time has come for me to ask him where is this going, and to make a decision about the future, our future. I feel it a bit forward to ask him this which is why I’ve put it off all this time. I wished he would have taken the initiative to ask ME what do I want but maybe he feels the same, that its too forward of him. We need to have a serious conversation and heart to heart about “US”. I think that our feelings have reached their peak. According to him, its a mutual thing and if we are not to have this conversation now, then when would we?
I play the scenario and conversation out in my mind numerous times a day. Most of the time its all that I can think about! I prepare what I’ll say to him and even how I’ll say it to him. I script out his parts in my mind as well. I’ll ask him what does he want to do and he’ll say that he’s been thinking heavily about it too and that he’s made up his mind! He’ll say that he wants a life with me! He’ll say that he can’t live this way anymore! I’ll reciprocate that I feel exactly the same. We’ll admit to each other that it kills us to be apart from the other and then he’ll finish by taking my hand while looking me in the eye saying that he wants to take my babies as his own!
I won’t even need to say let me think about this. I’ll tear then we’ll embrace in a hug. It would pain me to leave my husband. His innocent in this matter. But what is a woman in my position to do?
I am staring into space while seated at the kitchen counter, absent mindedly stirring my cup of tea, playing and then replaying this scene out over and over again.
A hand creeps around my waist from behind pulling me away from my thoughts pulling me into him. His grip is steady, firm, yet gentle. I feel his warm breath on my neck and in my hair. I know exactly who it is just by his scent and just as I’m about to turn around and say something, he plants a kiss on my cheek. My cheek tingles against his menthol breath. His scent invigorates my senses, it always does. For a second I forget where I am and I almost succumb willingly to his touch by throwing my arms around his shoulders. Then like a siren goes off in my mind I realize that I am in my own house! In my kitchen! My husband is somewhere around here too!!!!
What the hell is he thinking!!!!!
“Oh my god! Are you insane Zain!” I shriek in a soft scream! I’m riddled with fear and anxiety. Has he gone mad??? How can he take such a risk! Maybe its a plan and he wants to get us caught?!
” Shhhhhh, he’s gone to get something in the garage and all I want is one kiss. I miss you babe…. I’m not leaving until I get it!” He says with a playful silly pout! I usually find anything that he does so cute but right now I am livid!
Why am I in this situation again? How did I get here?? My insides turn to ice as my blood runs cold! My stomach feels hollow, as if it has just dropped to the ground…..
He smiles but I don’t think that its cute right now. I want him to back away!I don’t want to hide in my home and do this with my husband just a few feet away! I don’t want to get caught! Suddenly I don’t want to do this at all anymore! Fear grabs my throat and throttles me! I feel like scum right now but I relent just so that he’ll leave and back off. I tip my head up to his while scanning for my husband in the background. Even as I write these words the feeling of repugnance takes over me again. The taste of my words as I pen them taste bitter and vile!
Is this what my life has been reduced to? Surely the quality of my life was worth more than this once upon a time!
” We need to talk”. I say, trying to distract him while my insides shiver in fits of fear. What if my husband walks in right now and see’s us standing way to close to each other?
What if he saw that kiss!!!!?
And if I want out of my marriage like I think that I do why does it even bother me if my husband see’s us? My head feels heavy. I need to think. He is standing way too close to me and I feel claustrophobic! His scent is now nauseating me and causing the room to spin. Its like a cocktail of poison; his kiss, the fear I feel and his scent. All fused together they make me feel panic with a dusting of disgust!
” Hmmmmm…. Let me guess, you want to tell me how much you love me again”? He says teasingly.
I don’t answer him. I try to breathe deep breaths and calm myself down. And just then my husband walks in asking, “what’s going on?!!!”
I freeze in my seat, in my facial expression, in my gaze too I am frozen. I feel like a statue. I feel dead inside, like my heart has stopped beating! I want to pound my chest with my fists to get it to restart, to reboot! But I can’t move! I can’t breathe! This is it! We’ve been caught out! Fears grip on my throat intensifies and claws deeper. I feel like my eyeballs may bulge out! My brain searches for a plausible response. But I fumble mentally and nothing comes to mind……
” I’m telling Fatima to hook me up with one of her hot friends” he says as he winks at me again…..
My heart kick starts again and beats heavily and violently against my chest flooding my veins with what feels like ice cold blood! I might just die at this very moment, I thought. The nerve! I’m grateful for his quick response but really the nerve of him! I’m filled with disgust at his comment and response but there’s nothing that I can do about it! I wasn’t even sure if I was jealous that he said that or just angry that he placed us in such a compromising situation! My husband walks over to me and tickles my cheek lovingly, the same cheek that Zain just moments before kissed! I close my eyes as my conscience screams – WHAT ARE YOU DOING FATIMA!!!
As much as I feel for him, as much as I
think that I need him and as much as I desired a life with him, tonight stirred something unknown within me. My insides still feel like my blood is running cold. I didn’t like the position that I was placed in, the position that I placed myself in! Call me an amateur if you like. If ever I needed a reality check, that was it! I was moments away from a full blown panic attack. My life literally flashed before my eyes when I thought that we were caught out!
Suddenly I don’t think I want what I wanted. I think I want what I had….
I don’t think that I want to leave my husband and start a new life with this man. When the fear of being caught grazed against my nose all that I could think of was being saved! I kept on praying to be saved! And I am left to wonder why? Why would I feel that way? Why would I say and utter those silent prayers or think those thoughts of not being caught if I didn’t love my husband and treasure the life that I have with him? Why have I always been so careful when I met him and why have I always tried to not get caught? If I really wanted to leave my husband would it matter whether anyone saw me? Maybe subconsciously I do still love my husband. Maybe I can plead temporary insanity. Maybe I just don’t know anything anymore! …..
I always heard stories about some lady whose husband caught her in bed with another man. The gossip khala’s are always quick to relay every sordid detail with the addition of a little extra garam masala. Its sad to say, but upon hearing those stories, I judged those woman. I thought how could they. But just look at me today. How different am I from them?
That night before I sleep I pray an extra bit more. In all these months and weeks, my connection and bond with Allah was slowly dissipating, slowly disappearing. I moved farther and farther away from him until I looked back that night and saw how far I had moved in distance. I was overwhelmed to see how far apart we were. It was like I was zooming out of a picture until the picture was as small as a full stop. I was that full stop and Allah was the enormous Being still observing me. Initially it felt as if HE was moving away from me and leaving me! I understood why He would, I was a sinner and horrible and displeasing to Him! But now I see that He stood exactly where He always does, it was I that began moving away. I stopped talking to Him as much. I felt guilty and unworthy of seeking Him and speaking to Him. Why would Allah listen to me? I was the worst human being on this earth! Tonight as I mentally and emotionally break down before Him, I find the flicker of that relationship that my Allah and I once had. I seek my Lord for the first time since this whole mess began and it was like I was returning back home after a really long, tiresome journey….
” Oh Allah, I feel lost and confused without You. I feel empty and unworthy of speaking to You! I feel filthy! Would You ever forgive me for these many wrongs and sins? I have wronged so much. I have sinned so horribly. Is there hope for a sinner such as me? How do I end this? How do I change!!!!? Show me the way ….”
Tears stream down my cheeks as I fall asleep next to my snoring husband. I think I know what I want now. I want my old life again. I want to reconnect with Allah again. I want more than a life of secrets and lies. I don’t want to be the cause of pain to my husband and my children.
I feel wayward…..
I feel ashamed….
I feel raw…..
But will I be able to walk away from him after being so attached to him all these months? Will it be as easy to do this as I think it will? Will he let me go? What if he’s sweet words make me forget this moment and what I’m feeling and thinking right now? What if I stay in this relationship despite wanting to get out? It seems that I need reflection and distance. I’ll tell him this tomorrow, I’ll ask for some space….
I hope I will! Insha Allah….
The phone vibrates and I see that its a text from him….
Text one: ” I miss you”….
After two minutes….
Text two: “Are you ok?”
I don’t open it. I want to open it. But I don’t. The effects of the night still taunt me. I fall asleep begging Allah to make me strong enough to carry out my plan to leave this messy, sick and twisted situation tomorrow. But to be honest, I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring…..
To Be Continued…..