Memoirs’ of a once envious mind….





I dreamed of Ayesha again….

The finale….





part six:





I’ve tried to do right by Ayesha by speaking only good of her since she died. It wasn’t even hard really as it was only the truth that I spoke of her…








Was it a compensation for breaking her heart? Was it easier to do because she was no longer around stealing my happiness as my illness of envy went through fits and bouts?










No, it was none of that. It was easy to do because it is what the Nabi of Allah has instructed us to do….

“Whoever believes in Allah and in the last day should speak good or be silent” and “every good word is a charity” -Hadith….





I’ve dedicated the rest of my life to the devotion of Allah, to seeking knowledge and to inspiring whom so ever Allah allows me the privilege of inspiring. My days are numbered, my hours are used for Allah and my life is a story which I wish to relay to all in the hope of causing just one person to reflect over their own heart…..






They say its not the beginning that’s important but the ending. It doesn’t matter where you start as long as you end up with Allah, SubhanAllah….






I am a torn soul, stitched together with regrets and good intentions. My wounds sometimes still seep and the only remedy that I have found is in the remembrance of Allah.







Every saint was once a sinner, as they say… Although I am nowhere near to being a saint, so too am I long way away from the sinner I once encompassed and housed….. Alhamdulillah







There hangs a giant frame, a plaque, in the entrance hall of our old school. A dedication from me to Ayesha. Its a letter to an old friend, a lost friend, a never forgotten friend. The school hangs it in memory of a young life lost, I hung it in an attempt to end the vicious circle of envy and jealousy that breeds amongst us all.







Its everything that I should have said to my friend, but couldn’t and didn’t. It serves as a reminder for anyone who stops to read it, to be weary of spreading rumors, to do good so much so that eventually goodness will fill your entire being. SubhanAllah….. I guess its a message to all the ‘wannabe mean girls’ from an ex ‘Mean girl’……






It reads as follows:

” Today might be your last day, your last moment, your last opportunity…

Have you wondered what will you do with it?

Will you use it to break a heart or lend a hand?

Will you use it to float with hope or to sink a friend?

Have you already used a moment to lend that hand today?

Or have you helped break the heart of a trusting friend?!

One day, today will be just a memory, use this moment to make it a good memory to warm you up on cold and rainy days to come….

In memory of the amazing soul who once walked these halls, who once stood on that exact spot that you stand on reading this….

Ayesha Bibi Muhammed.
May the good that she did always follow her memory for others to take heed…

From the heart of her loving friend,






Last night I dreamed of Ayesha again. But it was somehow different this time. She didn’t haunt me with her eyes or her smile, so her vision wasn’t as a result of my own over active mind. She enveloped me in a light and airy hug. I could smell the subtle aroma of flowers and coffee beans again. I felt nostalgia as the scent wafted in and filtered through my nose. She uttered not one word…. and she didn’t need to…. Everything that she needed to say was said in her embrace, Allahuakbar. My friend forgave me, she was happy for me, happy that I was finally at peace, happy that I was finally happy….







I woke up smiling, craving a cappuccino with cream and not froth….







The End….



2 thoughts on “Memoirs’ of a once envious mind….

  1. naf says:

    MarshAllah sister Hajaar
    I really enjoy your excellent writing, it’s so inspiring.
    Looking forward to more of your outstanding work.


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