Memoirs of a once envious mind….


Enchanting and whimsical….




part five:










Her hair is pinned up loosely with wisps
Of golden hair trying to break free from the back and escape to the nape of her neck. Her dress is a subtle pink with no detail on it. There’s no need to beautify or embellish it further. Her smile is all that she needs to mystify. I’ve never seen her look more radiant. She looks whimsical, enchanting even. Like something out of a fairy tale.
No wait, even better than any fairy tale. She looks like a princess.

Ayesha turns to face me. Her cheeks flush with heat and a shadow of something passes through her eyes. Once again, I cannot read those eyes! She looks up at me, looking for appraisal, for approval but I say nothing. And still she smiles, still she awaits my acknowledgment and my praise.

Finally my mouth begins to part as a stench emanates and fills the sweet rose scented air.

” You look hideous Ayesha! Pink? I’ve told you that you cannot pull of pink! Everyone will laugh at you, but then again that’s what they always do….”

Her smile fades and the clouds above simultaneously turn to grey.

I’m startled by the sound of a loud bang, and then a crash! I hear glass shatter and break! I see a group of people huddled around something, someone, a figure lying helpless on the ground. I try to peer and take a peek at who, at what! But I cannot see a thing. Clouds, or is it mist which has filled the air, blind me. I can only hear them saying how she’s dead, dead from a broken heart. Panic stricken I rush to see who! But I somehow already know who and I know what happened too. I force and push my way through the crowd with a raging force! I see my perfect Ayesha lying still, helpless, dead on the ground!!!!!







I sit up choking from fear, from grief, from thoughts of an ugly past. Gasping for air, my pain, my agony feels so real, then I remember that it is.







This nightmare is not new to me, its the same nightmare that I’ve lived through most nights for the last five years….






I take a sip of stale water from the glass on my bedside pedestal. As my thoughts begin to stream through my mind, while all the while a knife persists in stabbing my heart repeatedly. And yet I have become so accustomed to this torture and to this pain, its secondary to me now, similar to blinking……







I guess I deserved to die that day, wouldn’t you say?





Surely the world could do with more Ayesha’s and less of my tainted and stained version! Yet here I am, lying awake in the darkness of night, pen and paper in hand, left with a purpose of relaying my tale so as to ignite a spark, a thought and perhaps ignite some hope in you….





Some of us go through life never changing, never admitting our faults, never allowing defeat to overtake us.
And then some others, Allah chooses for a purpose, for His purpose. I guess I’ll never understand why it is that I was spared for the purpose of being used, chosen or selected to change and to relay my tale. I didn’t deserve to be used for any good! I deserved to die and not Ayesha.






But you see, Ayesha was already good enough I guess and she was ready to leave this world but I was not yet ready, nor welcomed, nor suitable for the next world. I shudder in thought as I picture what becomes of those who lie, slander and back bite!!!!!






So I guess Allah allowed me an opportunity to realize and to change but not only that, He granted me the ability TO change, SubhanAllah….





And today I am no longer the nasty ‘mean girl’ that I once was. Sadness will a lot of times override any happiness that I momentarily grasp as I feel the gaping invisible hole within my chest when I recall and miss the true friend that I once had. My nightmares of a beautiful Ayesha in a subtle pink stained dress adorned with nothing more than a gorgeous smile will haunt me for nights to come……





To be continued…








2 thoughts on “Memoirs of a once envious mind….

  1. The Revert Muslimah says:

    Every saint had a past and every sinner has a future. It would have been so easy to judge the protagonist but to see the entire scenario from her point of view, to get to know her is an entirely different thing. Even though at a certain point you dislike her, deep down you pity her. Alhamdulillah, doesn’t Islam demand us to feel sad for such souls and make duaa? Do we not know that Allah subhanah wa ta’ala is the turner of hearts and that he is the best of Planners! As Sami ; Al Baseer….

    Masha’allah Haajar, beautifully executed. You have indeed taught me to look at people and incidents from a different angle altogether. Alhamdulillah.. indeed you speak the truth when you say Allah subhanah wa ta’ala wishes to communicate these lessons from you to me and to others. Consider yourself blessed to be chosen for this message.

    Looking forward to the next part. :-)Love you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. hoor_ain says:

      And just as I await the satisfaction from my morning coffee, I await your commentary. Alhamdulillah, what can I say after you’ve said it all! May Allah continue to enlighten us through each other… Love you. Thanx for the appreciation…Love you too habibty… P.s: I need a neck rub*wink


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