At first I thought I was dreaming. You know that feeling when you standing somewhere in the middle of an unbelievable reality and your conscious mind says to you; ” maybe you’re dreaming, maybe you’ll wake up”…. That’s what I was feeling…..
It is in these moments when you really get to see who is always there for you. Its right smack bang at that split second, somewhere between a dream and reality, that you see that there is no one there! There’s no one next to you! There can never be anyone with you…. But there is someone within you…. That’s where I was standing…..
The impact of the moment had stung me bitterly and after its nasty bite had left me reeling in pain, after the poison of fear had seeped out of my open wounds, I felt calm, I felt okay! I knew that it wasn’t yet okay, but somehow I had a dejavu and it seemed that it would be okay, everything would be okay, eventually anyway….
I thought that my mind was spurring me on, coaxing me and comforting me but then I realized that it was in fact something else, someone else, it was Him, its always been HIM….
I can remember back to my early childhood days. Days where my tongue could not yet articulate what my mind was conjuring up. In those days I always felt like I was playing the lead role in a movie, “the main girl” “the main character”. The one whom the story orbited around! I felt favored, protected and guarded. I felt as though I could leap of building tops and still land on my feet unharmed. Crazy I know, but is it really crazy?
I lost contact with that character, that lead girl. She must have died somewhere along the road, somewhere while leaping off a mountain top, somewhere within me…. For years now I haven’t felt that invincible but at that very moment, with seeping wounds and bleeding eyes, that little character came to say a hello. She came to tell me that she never died, she just got lost along the way, she came to tell me that its true! That I’m still playing the lead role, the lead role of my life! I could still leap of mountains if I wanted to and with the correct balance of belief and hope, I would probably land steadily on my feet….
So today I stand at that mountain peak! Fear surges in my veins, adrenaline pumps with my heart and I’m about to leap into the air without knowing that I will in fact land on my feet but I leap with belief and hope to keep me steady. Belief in Allah and hope in His miracles….
I stand there numb from pain. Today I learned that every lead character must say a farewell, they must make a final bow with no encore! Yet no character can ever stand still, they must continue to move, they must and they will always move….
The wind sieves through my hair and I turn to look back as I walk away from my secrets, from my past, from my lies, lies to Him, lies to myself, from my regrets, from aspirations which turned into ashes. I walk away from everything as I leave them all hidden under a pile of tears on the summit of that mountain in the hopes that He who created me will offer me protection, He will offer me asylum, He will offer me answers….
I move to the edge and with shaky feet I almost tumble headlong into the darkness. I watch the dust and stones fall into an abyss of nothingness, of emptiness and it daunts me, it scares me. I catch my balance, or rather it is He who steady’s my feet and with that I breathe a deep breath in, I jump, I leap, I soar…. Never to be me again….
‘HE’ is my Creator, my Maker, my Companion and lifelong friend… Allah❤